Married with Cats (Love Secrets Revealed)

When my wife Eileen first asked me to be her girlfriend, I said no. And for several good reasons.  For starters, we lived about a hundred miles away from each other. We all know that long-distance relationships never last.

Then there was the fact that I had recently separated from my ex-husband. Rebound relationships never last, either.  Not helping was the fact that I was still early in my recovery from alcoholism and I didn’t want anything distracting me from my program.

If you want a lasting, loving relationship, it always has to start with loving yourself.

Did I mention that she was 15 years older than me (don’t tell her I told you) and technically I was still married to my ex-husband? Like I said, I had a lot of legitimate reasons for not wanting to date Eileen.

But during a meditation, I heard from my Higher Power, who said, “Dharma, go ahead and date Eileen.” And so, I called Eileen up and invited her to dinner and a movie. That was more than 12 years ago. And we are still crazy in love with each other.

So what’s the secret to making an improbable relationship work? Actually, there are several so you might want to take notes.

• Love yourself - Most of my exes treated me like crap (not that I was always a gem to be with). But all of those relationships had one thing in common: me. And until I got sober, I didn’t think much of myself. But when I changed how I saw myself, I changed the type of person that was attracted to me. If you want a lasting, loving relationship, it always has to start with loving yourself.
• Show your love in lots of little ways – Do more than your share of the routine chores. Cut strawberries in the shape of hearts and put them on your partner’s cereal. Give her or him a back scratch or a foot rub. Do something out of the ordinary that says “I was thinking about you and how you’re feeling”. It doesn’t have to be expensive or big, but it has to be unexpected and sincere.
• Say “thank you” a lot – I probably say thank you to Eileen a few dozen times a day–when she makes me coffee in the morning, when she hands me a tissue, when she brings the trash can in, and any other time I can think of. One of the biggest complaints that people have in relationships is not being appreciated. Don’t let that happen to you.
• Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. I don’t care if you think you’re psychic or good at reading people. Ask how he is feeling. Ask what’s on her mind.

Talk to your partner about how you feel.

• Don’t expect your partner to read your mind – The flipside of the previous point is a trap a lot of people fall into, especially women. We want our partner to just know how we’re feeling. After all, isn’t it obvious? But maybe it isn’t so obvious. Talk to your partner about how you feel, why you feel that way.
• Never put your partner down, not even as a joke, even if she or he isn’t there. My wife does some crazy things sometimes. So do I. We all have our quirks, some of them quite frustrating. It can be tempting to vent or laugh about it with others. Don’t do it. It kills respect and trust. The one exception to this is if your partner becomes abusive. In such a case, don’t be afraid to report it to authorities.
• Be silly with each other. Fostering silliness in a relationship eases tensions, builds trust and is just plain fun. Eileen and I have lots of inside jokes. We intentionally mispronounce words in silly ways. I will say something unexpected just to make her laugh. We can be like two little girls together and it is like gold in our relationship.

Over the past dozen years, Eileen and I have been through many challenges: the loss of jobs, financial disasters, major depressions, the adoption of four cats (including two that needed to be bottlefed), the donation of a kidney, taking care of her elderly parents, etc.

And we are different in many ways. She’s a hoarder with stuff and I’m not. I’m a spendthrift and she’s not. I’m into spirituality and she’s agnostic. I like a wide range of music. She will listen to one or two albums over and over again.

She likes to watch Keith Olbermann and police dramas. I’d rather watch a documentary about quantum physics or a Hiyao Miyazaki movie. She likes fruits and nuts in salad and I like sushi with wasabi. Nevertheless, we love and cherish each other.

If you’re looking for a relationship, stop and just focus on learning to be the most loving, generous person you can be. Learn to love yourself unconditionally.

If you’re in a relationship and need to re-kindle the fire, learn to love yourself and in doing so, love your partner. Trust the process.